The “Me too”
movement just opened up the floodgates of the sexual harassment that has been
taking place in this country. Decades of pain and rage boiled over. As a
generalization too many men have gotten away with things for far too long in
regards to how women are treated. It’s an issue that isn’t going away and we’ll
be addressing it for the foreseeable future. Women have been emboldened to
speak out. Women are calling out our culture; a culture that objectifies women.
The backlash was way overdue. The pervasive cultural acceptance of subjugating
women to verbal and physical harassment is coming to a close not with a whimper
but a thunderous crash.
The news is
full of these stories. Each new day seems to bring us another or several names
to be added to the list of offenders. There have been some surprises. There
will be more. Finally we’ll get down to talking about the everyday harassment
that occurs across the board. There will be false claims made. There always
are. But the majority of complaints of sexual harassment will be truthful.
This made me
think, though, that we have quite a few issues going on at the same time that have
all got wrapped up in the “Me Too” movement including cause and effect. I must
admit up front that writing this from my perspective as a man this topic is
intimidating. Women are understandably ready to pounce upon anyone questioning
any part of the movement. But if we’re to start a dialog there’s going to have
to be some back and forth and men are going to have to be involved in the
conversation. The initial fallback position to the possible validity of a
question or statement is that the remarks were insensitive. In other words
someone, be it man or woman, raises or makes a good point but gets castigated
anyway for being insensitive.
What I mean by
the above is that in order to show the prevalence of sexual harassment all the
different types of harassment and crimes like sexual assault were rolled up
together as being qualifiers for saying “Me Too.” Getting pinched on the butt,
being catcalled, groped, along with rape were justification for saying “Me
too!” What some of us are saying is that
sexual catcalls are not equivalent to being raped or men victimizing underage
females. There are huge differences between sexual harassment and sexual
assault.
I overheard a
conversation the other day where a man complimented a woman and then hoped that
wasn’t sexual harassment. There was laughter. It was, after all, just a compliment.
I said to another guy perhaps all the men in the country should just apologize
now and get it over with. (It wasn’t funny then either.) The guy said “not me.”
(As in he had nothing to apologize for because he had never done anything wrong
in his interactions with the opposite sex.) I quipped “that you know of.” I
said that because how we perceive our actions is not necessarily how others perceive
them. For instance, I often think that I’m a lot funnier than other people
think I am.
Once a friend
got really angry with me for answering a question with a story. But our history
is what makes us—us! Our history is all the little stories of our life. We
learn from our history. Sometimes we apply what we learn in a good way but we
can also apply our life lessons in a bad way. Men with power learn what they
can get away with as do women. It’s more often men because our nation is top
heavy with male leadership.
One of the questions that I had early
on in regards to the entertainment industry is why so many women who were in
positions of power and wealth didn’t say and do something about the rampant
sexual harassment and assault that was going on. We’re talking well respected
multimillionaire women also powerful in their own right doing nothing for
decades. I heard these industry stories when I was a kid. Is Ivanka the only
one that’s complicit? I believe that it needs to be acknowledged at least that
men weren’t the only ones enabling and looking the other way. I’ve heard women
say the same things that men say about someone getting a part or promotion by
getting on their back. Not once in my life have I ever heard a story of a man
getting ahead by being on his back or on top.
Now I
understand that women get real testy about this issue. The argument is that if
women step forward they can lose their job and future or worse. It has also
been pointed out that a confessed assaulter of women got elected President is
an example of how bad things are. If that’s true then does it stand to reason
that if the “Me Too” movement had started earlier he might not have been
elected President given the number of resignations and firings that are
currently taking place? Or is it just as arguable that his history and getting
elected helped trigger the “Me Too” movement?
What I do
know is that it’s important to deal with where we are and where we go from
here. Otherwise all that will take place is that the guilty will ride the storm
out and all this will become yesterdays’ news. President Trump will just keep
waiting for it to blow over and continue to support men like himself. His wife
and daughter know what he is. He’s a man that told another man on a nationally
syndicated show that it was okay to refer to his daughter as a “piece of ass”.
His daughter Ivanka laughs about his sexual comments to her, about her and in
front of her. What kind of man says things like that about his own daughter?
Well, in this country the kind of man that gets elected President by a whole
lot of conservative women voting for him.
Our society
often rewards men who victimize women. Roman Polanski is a pedophile. He kept
making movies and people kept going to them. Woody Allen married his daughter.
He kept making movies. People kept being in them. One young woman came forward
with a story that she was made to stand naked for pictures by another WOMAN in
order to teach her a lesson. Several previous Presidents were womanizers and
are still venerated. As mentioned above one just got elected President. This
after confessing to a history of sexual assault. Roy Moore lost but it was
razor thin. The fact that it was a close election alone is an indictment of our
culture and all the women that voted for him knowing that he was (probably)
guilty. Misogyny REWARDED.
So where do we start? Seriously. Where? We
now have a culture in such a state that actions are being taken against people
based upon accusations. The accusation alone even if unfounded is enough to
finish off a career.
Rape is a
crime of violence. I want to say right here that I believe no means no. Period.
If a prostitute has already taken the money and then says no, no means no. If a
wife says no, no means no. That’s simple, or at least it should be. But a woman
being raped isn’t equivalent to a woman being verbally abused by a catcall.
(Although there are degrees of verbal and emotional abuse.) As I write this I
know that there are people that would disagree as in “He raped me with his
eyes!”
Children are a
no. Adults can’t give a yes (permission) on their behalf either. Far too many
adults have a grey area here. No applies to kids, period. There is no grey
area. There is no discussion. There are no religious grounds. Children are
ALWAYS a NO. Those adults that believe otherwise should immediately register as
sex offender wanna-bes.
Before I
retired I worked in an aerospace factory. Let’s just say that my language was a
lot more coarse back then. One day I had walked over to another area to talk
with a support person who happened to be a woman about a technical problem that
we were having. It was a very short conversation. I was walking back to my area
when that little personal alert warning system we have went off. It’s that
little system that we have that tells us something yet undefined is amiss; just
not right.
In my mind I
went over the conversation that I had just had. I realized that there was a
comment because of the language I used that I made that could be taken two
ways. One was about work. The other way was, let’s say suggestive. I thought “nah”
but you know what I’m going to go back and make sure. I walked back to her and
said, “You know I just realized that I said something to you that could have
been taken the wrong way. Here’s what I meant.” I explained in better detail
using better language what I meant. Then, and this is a key point, I
apologized. Guess what? Yep, she had indeed taken it the wrong way and was
getting ready to call personnel. She accepted my assurance of benign intention
and apology. I had worked with this woman for years and never been out of line.
At least that was my thinking at the time. I had considered us to be friends or
at least friendly. Based on her reaction, I might have been wrong about that.
Once I had a
woman turn me in to management for saying “good morning” to her. I wish I were
making that one up. I know what some of you might be thinking but that was all.
Just good morning. I said good morning to a lot of people back then. She was
evidently not a morning person. Life may not have been kind to her.
Women did in
fact have to put up with a lot in the factory. Probably still do. The times
improved a lot even during my decades working in factories. Holidays were
horrible. Drinking was a lot more pervasive during the early days and after
lunch. Especially before Christmas holiday, some managers would descend to the
shop floor and hit on the women. That went away. People learned to be more
discreet with their behavior.
I would like
to think that the image I have of myself and actions are accurate but as I
reflect back on my life I realize that others probably didn’t have the same
opinion. Some may have been predisposed or inclined to think of me otherwise. Just
the vulgar language that I used then in their presence would have been enough in
their minds to qualify some women for the “Me Too” movement.
I tend to hug
people. Usually I think that I have a good enough read of people to know if
it’s okay. Mind you I don’t usually hug strangers. But I can remember saying to
my wife that you know so and so got pretty stiff when I hugged her. I think it
made her uncomfortable. Then I would try and remember not to hug that person
any more. (BTW I hug guys too and call either sex hon. I know.) Now I wonder,
did I just make them uncomfortable or would they now claim that I had sexually
harassed them in the past. As in “He forcefully grabbed me and pulled me
against him unwillingly. I was helpless against his strength. He had my arms
against my sides. MY breasts were pressed against his chest. He did this in
front of people. I was so humiliated and too embarrassed to say anything. It
seemed like it went on forever.” A hug doesn’t sound too good written like that
does it?
Probably not a
good time to mention that I’ll kiss women on the cheek as well. Generally
that’s an easier one to spot because a woman will offer her cheek. Now, I have
actually told women friends to offer me their cheek a time or two especially
when it was obvious that our paths weren’t likely to cross again. “Offer me
your cheek, hon. I’m outta’ here.” I can practically guarantee that there are
those that popped a cork at the “Now I have actually TOLD (emphasis added)
women…” because I didn’t offer them a choice. In other words I could have said, “Would you
mind if I kissed you on the cheek since we aren’t likely to see each other
again and you have been a good friend.”
It used to be
okay to call women ma’am and open doors for them too. If a woman was younger
Miss was okay. For a while there Ms was real popular. Using Miss and their
first name was also okay. I think that was more regional though. I have been
chastised in all instances of using the aforementioned salutations. Once I had
a waitress tell me off for calling her ma’am. I think that these things are
more along the line of being called sexist though. I just bring it up because
we often find ourselves in awkward situations because of our upbringing.
As men I think
that we have to do a better job of policing ourselves. I obviously have to be
more aware of who I’m hugging and kissing. These are dangerous times. I am very
thankful that I am not dating. That brings up a whole other host of issues when
it comes to the dance and conquest of the sexes. I just added “conquest” to see
who made it this far. If you stuck it out until here you are a hardy soul.
One thing that
I do know is that the conversation needs to continue and that the struggle will
be ongoing even after it drifts out of the news cycle. There are just so many
things that need to be fixed. The weight on our culture is holding us back and
we need to start lightening the load. It would be nice if we could break the
cycle of taking a step back after taking a couple forward.
The reality is
that women were and are being victimized to a level that became intolerable.
Change is being called for on a national scale. Social change is not without
risk and comes at a cost. There have been and will be more casualties. There
will be innocent people hurt. Regardless, men need to speak out in our everyday
lives. We need to acknowledge what has taken place for far too long. We need
stand behind, beside, with and when necessary in front of our wives, daughters,
nieces, mothers and really just anyone that is being victimized because of
their color, sex or gender. We also need to stop rewarding the behavior of
those who diminish humanity. That’s the way forward.