Self-analysis [Sexual Coercion]

        The “Me too” movement just opened up the floodgates of the sexual harassment that has been taking place in this country. Decades of pain and rage boiled over. As a generalization too many men have gotten away with things for far too long in regards to how women are treated. It’s an issue that isn’t going away and we’ll be addressing it for the foreseeable future. Women have been emboldened to speak out. Women are calling out our culture; a culture that objectifies women. The backlash was way overdue. The pervasive cultural acceptance of subjugating women to verbal and physical harassment is coming to a close not with a whimper but a thunderous crash.

        The news is full of these stories. Each new day seems to bring us another or several names to be added to the list of offenders. There have been some surprises. There will be more. Finally we’ll get down to talking about the everyday harassment that occurs across the board. There will be false claims made. There always are. But the majority of complaints of sexual harassment will be truthful.

        This made me think, though, that we have quite a few issues going on at the same time that have all got wrapped up in the “Me Too” movement including cause and effect. I must admit up front that writing this from my perspective as a man this topic is intimidating. Women are understandably ready to pounce upon anyone questioning any part of the movement. But if we’re to start a dialog there’s going to have to be some back and forth and men are going to have to be involved in the conversation. The initial fallback position to the possible validity of a question or statement is that the remarks were insensitive. In other words someone, be it man or woman, raises or makes a good point but gets castigated anyway for being insensitive.

        What I mean by the above is that in order to show the prevalence of sexual harassment all the different types of harassment and crimes like sexual assault were rolled up together as being qualifiers for saying “Me Too.” Getting pinched on the butt, being catcalled, groped, along with rape were justification for saying “Me too!”  What some of us are saying is that sexual catcalls are not equivalent to being raped or men victimizing underage females. There are huge differences between sexual harassment and sexual assault.

        I overheard a conversation the other day where a man complimented a woman and then hoped that wasn’t sexual harassment. There was laughter. It was, after all, just a compliment. I said to another guy perhaps all the men in the country should just apologize now and get it over with. (It wasn’t funny then either.) The guy said “not me.” (As in he had nothing to apologize for because he had never done anything wrong in his interactions with the opposite sex.) I quipped “that you know of.” I said that because how we perceive our actions is not necessarily how others perceive them. For instance, I often think that I’m a lot funnier than other people think I am. 

        Once a friend got really angry with me for answering a question with a story. But our history is what makes us—us! Our history is all the little stories of our life. We learn from our history. Sometimes we apply what we learn in a good way but we can also apply our life lessons in a bad way. Men with power learn what they can get away with as do women. It’s more often men because our nation is top heavy with male leadership.

         One of the questions that I had early on in regards to the entertainment industry is why so many women who were in positions of power and wealth didn’t say and do something about the rampant sexual harassment and assault that was going on. We’re talking well respected multimillionaire women also powerful in their own right doing nothing for decades. I heard these industry stories when I was a kid. Is Ivanka the only one that’s complicit? I believe that it needs to be acknowledged at least that men weren’t the only ones enabling and looking the other way. I’ve heard women say the same things that men say about someone getting a part or promotion by getting on their back. Not once in my life have I ever heard a story of a man getting ahead by being on his back or on top.

         Now I understand that women get real testy about this issue. The argument is that if women step forward they can lose their job and future or worse. It has also been pointed out that a confessed assaulter of women got elected President is an example of how bad things are. If that’s true then does it stand to reason that if the “Me Too” movement had started earlier he might not have been elected President given the number of resignations and firings that are currently taking place? Or is it just as arguable that his history and getting elected helped trigger the “Me Too” movement?

         What I do know is that it’s important to deal with where we are and where we go from here. Otherwise all that will take place is that the guilty will ride the storm out and all this will become yesterdays’ news. President Trump will just keep waiting for it to blow over and continue to support men like himself. His wife and daughter know what he is. He’s a man that told another man on a nationally syndicated show that it was okay to refer to his daughter as a “piece of ass”. His daughter Ivanka laughs about his sexual comments to her, about her and in front of her. What kind of man says things like that about his own daughter? Well, in this country the kind of man that gets elected President by a whole lot of conservative women voting for him.

        Our society often rewards men who victimize women. Roman Polanski is a pedophile. He kept making movies and people kept going to them. Woody Allen married his daughter. He kept making movies. People kept being in them. One young woman came forward with a story that she was made to stand naked for pictures by another WOMAN in order to teach her a lesson. Several previous Presidents were womanizers and are still venerated. As mentioned above one just got elected President. This after confessing to a history of sexual assault. Roy Moore lost but it was razor thin. The fact that it was a close election alone is an indictment of our culture and all the women that voted for him knowing that he was (probably) guilty. Misogyny REWARDED.

        So where do we start? Seriously. Where? We now have a culture in such a state that actions are being taken against people based upon accusations. The accusation alone even if unfounded is enough to finish off a career.

        Rape is a crime of violence. I want to say right here that I believe no means no. Period. If a prostitute has already taken the money and then says no, no means no. If a wife says no, no means no. That’s simple, or at least it should be. But a woman being raped isn’t equivalent to a woman being verbally abused by a catcall. (Although there are degrees of verbal and emotional abuse.) As I write this I know that there are people that would disagree as in “He raped me with his eyes!”

        Children are a no. Adults can’t give a yes (permission) on their behalf either. Far too many adults have a grey area here. No applies to kids, period. There is no grey area. There is no discussion. There are no religious grounds. Children are ALWAYS a NO. Those adults that believe otherwise should immediately register as sex offender wanna-bes.

        Before I retired I worked in an aerospace factory. Let’s just say that my language was a lot more coarse back then. One day I had walked over to another area to talk with a support person who happened to be a woman about a technical problem that we were having. It was a very short conversation. I was walking back to my area when that little personal alert warning system we have went off. It’s that little system that we have that tells us something yet undefined is amiss; just not right.

        In my mind I went over the conversation that I had just had. I realized that there was a comment because of the language I used that I made that could be taken two ways. One was about work. The other way was, let’s say suggestive. I thought “nah” but you know what I’m going to go back and make sure. I walked back to her and said, “You know I just realized that I said something to you that could have been taken the wrong way. Here’s what I meant.” I explained in better detail using better language what I meant. Then, and this is a key point, I apologized. Guess what? Yep, she had indeed taken it the wrong way and was getting ready to call personnel. She accepted my assurance of benign intention and apology. I had worked with this woman for years and never been out of line. At least that was my thinking at the time. I had considered us to be friends or at least friendly. Based on her reaction, I might have been wrong about that.

        Once I had a woman turn me in to management for saying “good morning” to her. I wish I were making that one up. I know what some of you might be thinking but that was all. Just good morning. I said good morning to a lot of people back then. She was evidently not a morning person. Life may not have been kind to her.

        Women did in fact have to put up with a lot in the factory. Probably still do. The times improved a lot even during my decades working in factories. Holidays were horrible. Drinking was a lot more pervasive during the early days and after lunch. Especially before Christmas holiday, some managers would descend to the shop floor and hit on the women. That went away. People learned to be more discreet with their behavior.

        I would like to think that the image I have of myself and actions are accurate but as I reflect back on my life I realize that others probably didn’t have the same opinion. Some may have been predisposed or inclined to think of me otherwise. Just the vulgar language that I used then in their presence would have been enough in their minds to qualify some women for the “Me Too” movement.

        I tend to hug people. Usually I think that I have a good enough read of people to know if it’s okay. Mind you I don’t usually hug strangers. But I can remember saying to my wife that you know so and so got pretty stiff when I hugged her. I think it made her uncomfortable. Then I would try and remember not to hug that person any more. (BTW I hug guys too and call either sex hon. I know.) Now I wonder, did I just make them uncomfortable or would they now claim that I had sexually harassed them in the past. As in “He forcefully grabbed me and pulled me against him unwillingly. I was helpless against his strength. He had my arms against my sides. MY breasts were pressed against his chest. He did this in front of people. I was so humiliated and too embarrassed to say anything. It seemed like it went on forever.” A hug doesn’t sound too good written like that does it?

        Probably not a good time to mention that I’ll kiss women on the cheek as well. Generally that’s an easier one to spot because a woman will offer her cheek. Now, I have actually told women friends to offer me their cheek a time or two especially when it was obvious that our paths weren’t likely to cross again. “Offer me your cheek, hon. I’m outta’ here.” I can practically guarantee that there are those that popped a cork at the “Now I have actually TOLD (emphasis added) women…” because I didn’t offer them a choice.  In other words I could have said, “Would you mind if I kissed you on the cheek since we aren’t likely to see each other again and you have been a good friend.”

        It used to be okay to call women ma’am and open doors for them too. If a woman was younger Miss was okay. For a while there Ms was real popular. Using Miss and their first name was also okay. I think that was more regional though. I have been chastised in all instances of using the aforementioned salutations. Once I had a waitress tell me off for calling her ma’am. I think that these things are more along the line of being called sexist though. I just bring it up because we often find ourselves in awkward situations because of our upbringing.  

        As men I think that we have to do a better job of policing ourselves. I obviously have to be more aware of who I’m hugging and kissing. These are dangerous times. I am very thankful that I am not dating. That brings up a whole other host of issues when it comes to the dance and conquest of the sexes. I just added “conquest” to see who made it this far. If you stuck it out until here you are a hardy soul.

        One thing that I do know is that the conversation needs to continue and that the struggle will be ongoing even after it drifts out of the news cycle. There are just so many things that need to be fixed. The weight on our culture is holding us back and we need to start lightening the load. It would be nice if we could break the cycle of taking a step back after taking a couple forward.

        The reality is that women were and are being victimized to a level that became intolerable. Change is being called for on a national scale. Social change is not without risk and comes at a cost. There have been and will be more casualties. There will be innocent people hurt. Regardless, men need to speak out in our everyday lives. We need to acknowledge what has taken place for far too long. We need stand behind, beside, with and when necessary in front of our wives, daughters, nieces, mothers and really just anyone that is being victimized because of their color, sex or gender. We also need to stop rewarding the behavior of those who diminish humanity. That’s the way forward.

The man is the office. The office is the man. [POLITICS]

        As of late there are people saying that people should be respectful of the “office” of the President if not the man regardless of what he has done or is doing. (Understanding that the office we’re talking about is not a physical place but rather a position.) Should we be respectful of the President simply because of the office? It’s a fair question and certainly not a new one especially when we have an unpopular President. People said many of the same things about President “I am not a crook” Nixon before he resigned from office in disgrace.

        President “I am not a racist” Trump has provided us at least a partial answer to the question. He wasn’t opposed to criticizing President Obama when he (Trump) was a citizen and not running for office. He was a vocal opponent of President Obama then in interviews and through his incessant tweeting before he started running for office. Trump even questioned the legitimacy of his Presidency by promoting the completely false accusation that President Obama is not a natural born citizen. It’s hard to be more disrespectful of the “office of the President” than that. That’s also disrespectful of our entire democratic system of government. It is the ultimate rejection of our Republic. It is also a testament to the gullibility of the masses. He didn’t stop with President Obama. He was critical of First Lady Michelle Obama as well. He criticized her for not covering her head when she went to Saudi Arabia. (Incidentally First Lady Melania Trump also visited Saudi Arabia with her head uncovered.) Those were just a couple of examples.

        So while we have Trump’s answer by his own example is that really the best answer? Let’s try a different approach and just deal with respect in general and not tied to a specific office or title. 

Respect goes to a person’s basic character.

• Should we be respectful of a man that likes to be in the room and look at naked underage girls?
• Does a man who gives another man permission to refer to his own daughter as a “piece of ass” deserve respect?
• How much respect should we give to a man that likes other men seeing pictures of his naked wife?
• If a man avoided the draft because of wealth should we respect the accomplishment or is that disrespectful to those that did serve?
• Let’s say an average man or better yet a poor man jokes about sexually assaulting women, would we respect him?
• Should we respect a crass, vulgar, trash-talking, name-calling bully?
• How about a habitual liar? Should a habitual liar be respected? Do you respect people that you know to be such a person? Better yet. Do you trust them?
• How about a racist? Should we respect racists?
• If a man isn’t a person deserving respect before he has a particular office does he become deserving of respect if he obtains that office?

        All of the above apply to President Trump. None of the above is new. And no one has to just accept media’s claims, because there are complete videos or audio of him available substantiating his actions, with the exception of his most recent comments about those from countries where brown people live (however, there are a number of witnesses). There are also court cases where judgements were rendered and depositions were taken. If you want to hear and see the man that is now President joking about assaulting women that video is also available for the world to see along with all the others.

        As a man and as a President he has not asked for forgiveness for the things that he has not only done but bragged about. Evangelicals have said that Jesus has forgiven him, so should they. Jesus forgives when asked to forgive. President Trump doesn’t ask for forgiveness. He isn’t new to the Christian scene and is a lifelong church attendee. So let’s just take that off the table in the respect for the office argument.

        Trump supporters seemingly admire and respect a man that does all the above. They would have their sons and daughters behave like him. All of the above was known way before and during the election. I believe that it’s justifiable to say that Trump supporters admire him for what he is because he came in at number 2 on a most admired list. (It’s almost poetic that he lost to a black man.) On one hand that gives me a small hope that our nation hasn’t crossed over completely to the dark side.

       Now this is where the average President Trump troll (including Russian Trolls) usually chimes in with “Trrruuuummmmp!” or responds with something about the Clintons, Obama or email. That really doesn’t advance the conversation but that isn’t something that they’re interested in doing. They want the attention and conversation deflected in other directions. Yes we get it. You’ll vote for him again. You love America being undermined and our Democracy being taken apart. You love a man that does the opposite of what he says. You love the Russians and enjoy their involvement. White nationalism is your cup of tea. Some Nazis are really fine people. A man that does and is all of these horrible things and more you call a good man deserving of respect even if it’s only because of the office.

        If just the “office of President” is supposed to command our respect does that mean that the office adheres to a higher standard than the man that occupies it? Does the position have a better character than the person holding it? Is there a job description for the office? Does the office act, say things?

        Or do the people define the qualities of a President that are acceptable? This would be like a community standards doctrine.

        If that’s true then the fact, and it is a fact, that President Trump lost the popular vote by millions indicates that he does not have the support of the people and won by the support of a political system. So again there is small reason to hope. At least in the popular vote people rejected such a man even if the margin was small. In defense those supporting the Presidents claim that the vote is a fraud caused by millions of illegal voters even though this claim has also been disproved nationally.

        When people say that we should respect the office of President what are they really saying? What does that mean? In essence it is saying that President Trump shouldn’t be criticized because he is the President. That defense simply will not work in a free society with a free press.

        Ultimately it is about the man. He disgraces the office with his vulgar and abusive comments. That doesn’t mean that he’s being politically incorrect in his language. It means he’s being racist. He disgraces the office with his daily lies. He disgraces the office when he undermines our constitution.

        The man, President Trump, is disrespectful of the office he holds. If you truly want to respect the office of the President of the United States then condemn the man that holds it.

Show me your hands! [POLICING]

        For a while the national news reported an incident where an unsuspecting innocent citizen was “SWATTED” and ended up being shot dead by the police. He was unarmed but deviated from the instructions that he was given by the police on the scene and was shot dead. SWATTING or being SWATTED is where a fake call is made to the police with a story designed to provoke a heavily armed response to unaware victim/s.

        Years ago back in the time before smart phones I was watching a news video on TV about how a confrontation between the police and a man that ended in his death. The police had been called to an altercation where one of the men was reported to be armed. A news crew was already on the scene. They were focused on the man the police were confronting. He had one hand behind his back. One of the officers shouted to the man, “Show me your hand! There better not be a gun there!” I remember thinking at the time:  that guy is a dead man if he’s got a gun in his hand. He was ordered several times to show his hand that was behind his back. He was told that he better not have a gun. Finally he brought his hand from behind his back. There was a gun in it. He was promptly shot dead.

        In another video that I’ve watched on the internet there was a young man that had been pulled over by an officer. He had already exited the vehicle by the time the officer had got out of his. The young man already had his wallet out getting and was getting his license. He was told to go back to his vehicle and get his registration. The kid was in a hurry to comply, spun on his heel and hurried back to his vehicle. The cop started shouting and pulled his weapon. The kid quickly spun around because he was being shouted at by a police officer and was shot several times. Slumped down on the ground the kid said, “Why did you shoot me?” He was unarmed.

        More recently there was a shooting where an unarmed man was crawling down a hallway begging for his life while trying to comply with instructions that he was being given. He deviated from the instructions and was shot dead.

        I want to express that I didn’t provide a detailed account of what took place and that in every instance the police for the most part followed their appropriate procedures.

        While predominantly more victims are black people of all races are being killed or wounded.

        This is going to sound odd now but stay with me because it will tie back in to what I’m talking about. I’m going to talk about lifting things. Specifically a box. I worked in factories for decades. I went to numerous injury prevention classes over the years where we were instructed in using proper lifting techniques. There was one multi-step procedure demonstrated where detailed instructions, usually in pictorial form, were provided about how to lift a box (anything).   In absolutely ideal circumstances it would probably work but it was useless for having practical application in the workplace.

        Industry responded with changes in procedures that made dealing with proper lifting technique more reality based. Lift with your legs not with your back. Uncomplicated and easier to execute.

        In regards to shootings where racial profiling isn’t involved it appears that current procedures aren’t working. There are too many instances where those that are guilty of some minor infraction end up paying with their lives unnecessarily or even worse where innocent victims are being shot. Weapons in the hands of the individuals may or may not be involved.

        Weapons at the scene always increase the stakes even if they’re only in the hands of the police. One mistake, a quick movement, a failure to execute an instruction properly, being in a hurry to comply, a hand going to the wrong part of the body, on anyone’s part can result in a fatal outcome. Being innocent or guilty can be irrelevant to the situation. Add to this the physiologic response taking place with all those on the scene and all that’s needed is a spark.

        Police train for these types of confrontations. The vast majority of civilians don’t. Criminals for the most part don’t train for an armed confrontation other than anticipating the possibility of one. The desired outcome is for everyone to get out alive. Too many aren’t. There’s an obvious problem.

        For the average civilian the daily routine does not include a confrontation with an armed group of authorities pointing guns and shouting demands requiring exact execution of instructions. In a recent video I saw a man being told keep his hands straight up in the air while getting down on his knees. Okay this is a totally foreign physical movement. Try it. And don’t let either arm dip even slightly. With me the chances of this happening are even more remote given the condition of my knees. It would be a definite “You Tube” video because at some point I would be falling down if I could in fact keep my hands/arms straight up. The natural response to get on one’s knees is not to begin with sticking our arms straight up. As soon as we start going to our knees our brains and muscle memory are kicking in telling us that we’re doing it wrong.

        How many times have you seen a guy check his fly? Haven’t? We do it. Often we do it without even thinking. Just go through one wedding with your dress shirt tail sticking out your fly and not finding out until the wedding pictures are being taken and believe me you’ll be checking your fly the rest of your life. I watched a commercial outtake once and the director was telling the guy that he needed to stop shaking his head no one he was talking saying no and the guy was saying I’m not doing that and was shaking his head from side to side while saying it. The director said you’re doing it right now! The guy said no I’m not while shaking his head no. We just do some things without thinking like move our hands to our hips or cross our arms during a conversation.

        Then we have our basic natures to contend with. There are a lot of people that you can tell to do something but if they don’t see a good reason themselves they aren’t doing it especially if they think they’re right. I can tell you for sure that if I’m ever in such a situation my main concentration is going to be focused on not peeing my pants. That’s going to consume a lot of my attention.

        I can tell you for sure that if SWAT showed up at my late mom’s house she would have her hands on her hips and be shouting right back at them because she would know that she was innocent. Period. She would not follow precise instructions shouted at her by rude people. Then, if she were still alive, she would go back inside. She might even come back out to ask if anyone wanted sandwiches.

        Seriously, how many weapons do you have to point at one or two people if there’s a designated shooter? People, especially if they’re unarmed, shouldn’t end up with multiple bullet holes from different people in them. If you’re the person with all the weapons pointed in your direction the subtlety of fingers not being on the triggers is going to be lost on you especially if you’re trying real hard not to pee. 

        In closing I wish that I had the answer or answers but I don’t. What I do know is procedures need to be changed. We need better outcomes.