My
dearest wife Shelley,
Hopefully, the 3 of you are having a
wonderful time on your vacation. I think
that it’s wonderful that your mother, sister and you are getting the
opportunity to bond. If you’re worrying
about how Joshua, Gizmo and I are doing in your absence you’re wasting valuable
time that could be put to better use by enjoying your much deserved
vacation. I think that considering the
total picture we’re doing pretty good.
Some concerns have arisen that are hardly worth mentioning but I think
it best that I keep you informed just in case.
Gizmo was certainly a sad little
puppy when you left. I tried to make him
feel better the first couple of days by running to the door saying, “Shelley is
here, Shelley is here!” His little face
would light up with excitement and anticipation. He would jump, bark delightedly and wag his
little tail for all he was worth. Of
course, it was kind of a downer when I would finally open the door and you
wouldn’t be there. It was great seeing
him happy for at least a little while.
Towards the end of the second day he developed a limp. The vet said something about hysterical
sympathetic response due to sensory manipulation and some other dog psycho
babble that I haven’t a clue about what it means. Now, he seems to have forgotten that he’s
housebroken! I can’t get him to go to
the door when he wants out. We should
have it all worked out by the time you get back. Right now he’s staying pretty much out of
sight, only dragging himself out when he goes to eat a little something. That brings up another point.
Except for the stuff in the freezer,
packages and cans we’ve run out of food!
Don’t worry about Gizmo. He has
plenty of food. It’s a good thing too
since he’s throwing up so much. Do you
remember the time that he ate a pound of chocolate? Well, it’s worse than that. Frankly, I’m surprised more dogs aren’t
throwing up eating that nasty tasting stuff.
The vet said something about stress and a nervous stomach. I think that he’s just trying to drum up
repeat business. Fortunately, Pizza Hut,
McDonalds and the Quick Trip are willing to take checks. By the way, how important is it to write down
the amount of the check in that little register? Never mind.
I’m sure that we can get it all sorted out when you get back.
Oh yes, I almost forgot. Some of the laundry I did may not have come
out exactly right. You know -- odd
colors, things not the same size as when they went in, melted things -- the
usual run of the mill laundry problems.
It’s a good thing I got most of the clothes done before I put that last
load of bedding in the machine. I heard
you mention before you left that you wished you had got all the bedding washed
before you left. I wanted to surprise
you by having it done before you got back.
Wouldn’t you know it that stupid washing machine gave out on that one
load. So now none of the beds have any
sheets, bed spreads, mattress pads, pillows (Boy! You never mentioned how hard
those things are to get in the machine.) or pillow cases. The washer repairman said that he didn’t
think the smoke smell from one burned up overloaded washer motor would linger
for more than a week. I really took
exception to that because I contend they shouldn’t put “extra large load” on a
machine if they don’t mean it. Anyway,
it all probably worked out for the best what with all the strong smells in the
house. It really isn’t all that bad sleeping
outside. Also, it’s good to know that
the smoke alarms are working. If they
hadn’t gone off alerting me to something being wrong there’s no telling how
much more water damage we would have sustained.
It was good to see Gizmo excited again.
I really felt bad about his hair getting singed like that. He was such a brave little guy trying to warn
us of danger.
Josh left home and says that he’s
not coming back until you’ve been back home at least a week. I don’t care what he says about being
embarrassed about all the media coverage.
In case you should see something on the news you need to know that
things look worse on TV than they actually are.
All those muck raking journalists are just looking for an easy story at
some poor husband’s expense. The screams
attributed to me were taken completely out of context and I honestly have no
idea in all that confusion where those circus people came from. I must say those 911 operators have a good
sense of humor and irony. The police
were very sympathetic and understanding.
As luck would have the wife of one of the investigating officers was on
a vacation. He’s walking around with a loaded weapon.
I think Josh left because he wanted
to spend some time with his girlfriend.
Should I have called to see if her parents were home? Actually, I did call a couple of times but no
one would answer. Since they have Caller
Identification they had to know that it was me calling. I had to laugh when he left. He really doesn’t have much in the way of
clothes left due to that possibly correctable in some isolated instances mishap
with the laundry. He certainly isn’t
going to be able to buy much in the way of clothes with that signed blank check
that I gave him since there couldn’t possibly be much left in the checking
account at this point. Did I mention
that since I misplaced your check I wasn’t able to deposit it? I think that I misplaced it during all the
commotion at the bank. Some pretty darn
happy street people were carrying on, jumping up and down behind me when I was
outside the bank. I had to be a little
rude I’m afraid and tell them to be satisfied with what they had and to leave
me alone.
I have to tell you my little sweet
that I was just a tad aggravated with you when you left concerning the
performance of the dishwasher. I
distinctly remember you telling me that it was supposed to be a really good
one. The point is moot since food
preparation in the kitchen at this juncture is impossible anyway. I believe you had mentioned wanting to do
something different with the tile in the kitchen. A rather large portion across from the
microwave has now been removed.
The next appliances we purchase are
definitely going to have more warning labels I can tell you for sure. I was surprised when the microwave lit up
like a Christmas tree but I was totally unprepared for the explosion that
followed. I think that there must have
been some sort of design flaw. It was a
deafening explosion but at least there’s an upside. I can no longer hear the constant shrilling
of the smoke alarms. That was starting
to get on my nerves and make me just a trifle edgy. I have also been just a bit on the blinky
side but the doctor said that could eventually go away.
This seemed like a good time to try
and get some outside projects done. For
the most part the security lighting system I installed is working pretty
good. Most of the lights work. You know I was checking one of those little
bitty bulbs and smoke actually came off of my fingers where I grabbed it to see
if it had become loose when I inadvertently ripped the top off of the
fixture. I didn’t want to take a chance
on having another short since I had been having so much trouble with the
breaker box. Who would have though a
bulb that size could get so hot? I think
that I have the majority of the lights inside the house back on now. I moved the
VCR and TV to the basement. I did manage
to salvage our wedding tape. I’ve been
watching that for better or worse part of the ceremony over and over. Do you remember that part babe? It really is one of the more moving and
inspirational parts of the whole ceremony.
That blinking VCR light is distracting though. If I just could get the dumb thing to stay on
I could get around in the basement better.
It is too bad that I couldn’t get some of the majority of lights to stay
on down there since the basement is now the only cool part of the house. What with all the fumes and all I’m just too
afraid to light a candle.
When you come home don’t use the
garage door opener. Should by some
miracle the garage door actually work it still wouldn’t be safe for you to
enter the house that way. Since this
message may be read by others the lawyer has advised that I not say anything
further. We’ll talk more about it when
you get back. I sure hope that the check
you had me mail to the insurance company turned out to be one of the good ones.
Someone named Okra, I think, keeps
calling and asking for you. It’s kind of
hard for me to hear the answering machine.
If you call pretend you’re talking to mom.
The instructions you left were
helpful but I have learned some other things in your absence:
·
Make sure that the spray nozzle of that personal defense mace is
pointed away from you and that you’re upwind when you use it. The safety is not on when that little lever
is up.
·
That hot wax hair removal stuff should not -- I repeat not
-- be used on ear or nose hair!
·
Herbal bath gel is not an acceptable substitute for salad dressing.
·
Your mother may have been right.
·
Fireplaces are a lot heavier than they look.
·
There’s a quicker way to get to the basement.
·
The difference between tbs. and pt in cooking directions. Incidentally, you can get way to much dough
in a bread machine.
·
It’s not a good thing for a loaded clothes dryer to run all night on
high.
·
There’s a lot more than windows that those cleaning people won’t do.
·
I’ve discovered how truly grateful I am to have a spouse who doesn’t
overreact to small un-pleasantries.
I talked with my mom and she said
that since your mother and sister are with you and will probably read this
letter I shouldn’t fax it to you since there’s no telling how they might react
given your family’s history. I had
completely forgotten that your sister goes medieval occasionally and that you
mother has a long history of dealing with groups of people in confined spaces.
Gizmo is just fine. Lorena, the dog groomer, didn’t cut his hair
too short. We’ll know more when the
stitches come out of him or her depending on what they find. If he doesn’t come when you call Gizmo try
calling Missy instead. The vet said he
may be having an identity crisis.
So, disregard the first part of this
letter and start here.
Dearest
Shelley,
I’m crazy in love with you, miss
you, hope that you’re having a wonderful time and look forward to your
return. Even when apart I still find joy
in our being together. Distance doesn’t
separate the closeness of our hearts.
Your
loving husband,