What a campaign!
I was going to
use a different title but the wife said “Penis” would be wholly inappropriate
anywhere in a title. Turns out it was
just as inappropriate as several story lines that I ran past her involving the
campaign, the White House and porn. Dealing with an editor can be such a pain. But
there you go.
When this
campaign started, I really thought when penis size made its way into the debate
that would be the low point. That seems like such a long time ago. Now I find
myself yearning for those days of innocence and wondering if we’ll ever get
back there again. Men bonding over dealing with their hormones. Going through
puberty can be tough for some guys—especially late bloomers.
After the penis
issue, nude pictures of Donald Trump’s wife started circulating. They were
pictures taken on Trump’s plane. And then nude pictures of her with another
woman taken years earlier surfaced. Then there was a period of relative quiet
on the seamy side of the street until a Latina tangled with Trump accusing him
of fat shaming her and not paying her for her work as Miss Universe. And then
Trump dug up (made up) some information on his victim that she had made a porn
tape. (She hadn’t.) And then after making more disparaging comments about her he
encouraged America to watch the tape. Yes. He told America to search for and
watch a sex tape. Thank you, Donald Trump!
Wife: “What are you doing, Dear?”
Me: “Searching porn sites for a particular
video?”
Wife: “What is the matter with you? Seriously?”
Me: “It’s research.”
Wife: “Like when you read Playboy for the
articles?”
Me: “Yes. Exactly like that. Thank you. Only this
time I’m going to write one of those articles!”
Wife: [Eye roll combined with sad look and big
sigh.] “How long do you plan to ‘research’ your big article, Woodward?”
Me: “As long as it takes.”
Eventually,
though, after hours of fruitless searching I did have to stop looking. In the
interest of being fully informed I will take up the search, make that research,
again after I’ve rested. It’s in the national interest.
And then it
turns out that Donald Trump himself was, I kid you not, in a soft porn video.
Interestingly, I was able to find that one. A grateful nation is glad that he
wasn’t nude in the movie. G. R. A. T. E. F. U. L. Even though that would have
settled his penis size question once and for all.
And then…
It’s like we’re
trapped in a soap opera where each episode is more outrageous than the last.
Amazingly Trump has proved able to keep on delivering. He stays up until the
wee hours of the morning doing research. Him and that 400 pound guy lying in
bed.
I can’t help but
think that there is some fist pumping and high fives being given at Trump
campaign HQ! At least I hope that’s what they’re doing with their hands. Those
folks have to be so excited about what each new day will bring!
I wonder if they
will let the candidates bring video clips to show at the next debate. If not,
the least Trump could do is stuff some stills in his jacket to whip out during
the debate. That would be great. If they do they should consider dimming the
lights at the venue out of respect for the office that he is seeking.
They are more
likely to come up with some new rules like:
·
Candidates will stay behind the podium.
·
Candidates will keep their hands visible and
above their waists at all times.
·
Raincoats will not be allowed.
·
Body parts will not be talked about in whole or
in part.
·
The audience will not be encouraged to view
pornographic sites nor will links be provided to said sites.
·
If you wouldn’t say it to your mother don’t say
it here.
And then…
It turns out
that Trump hasn’t always found porn “disgusting”. In fact he watched the sex
tape of a young woman he had known when she was a beautiful 12 year old. (He
was friends with the family.) This is starting to take on a whole bigly
creepster perv atmosphere so I think I’ll try and stop.
And then…
Trump said that
he’s going to start talking about Hillary Rodham Clinton and her marital
troubles. Bring out the popcorn, folks, and sit back. Trump is going to start
shaming a woman for her husband’s actions. This is the kind of stuff America
loves.
Footnote: Blogger has software that provides internet
traffic sources amongst a lot of other statistics. As of today, this is another
I kid you not, I have Russian sources listed.